How to Use DISH Network’s SAT Auto-Tune Feature

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Who benefits from this feature? DISH Network customers that come across a snowy, blue, or black screen. These issues often occur because of the wrong TV channel, especially on TV2, and the use of SAT Auto-Tune helps prevent this issue from occurring.

This preventative feature is available on newer DISH Network remote controls which allow customers to return to watching television with a single button from the remote control. This corrects the TV channel used for satellite viewing. When the SAT button is pressed, the remote sends that channel to the TV. In order to use this feature, first program the remote to operate the TV, then program in the correct channel for the TV, and finally enable (for 5.3 and 6.3 remote controls.)

Setting SAT Auto-Tune Channel

Note: These steps can also be used to change the channel used for SAT Auto-Tune.

  1. Program the remote control to operate the TV.
  2. Press and hold TV until all four mode buttons are lit.
  3. Press STAR (), then enter the channel used for viewing satellite TV. For example, if the TV needs to be on channel 60, enter 60.
  4. Press POUND (#). The TV button flashes times to indicate programming was successful.

Enabling

  1. Press and hold SAT for three seconds until all four mode buttons are lit.
  2. Press STAR (), then press Volume UP.
  3. Press POUND (#). The SAT button flashes three times to indicate it was enabled.

Disabling

  1. Press and hold SAT for three seconds until all four mode buttons are lit.
  2. Press STAR (), then press VOLUME DOWN.
  3. Press POUND (#), The SAT button flashes three times to indicate it was disabled.

Compatible Remote Controls:

3.4 IR

4.4IR

5.3IR

5.4IR

6.3IR/UHF Pro

6.4IR/UHF Pro

20.0 IR

21.0 IR/UHF Pro

Considerations

Default is Disabled on the 5.3 and 6.3 remote controls.

Default is Enabled on the 3.4, 4.4, 5.4, 6.4, 20.0 and 21.0 remote controls.

In order to function correctly, the correct channel for the installation must be programmed into the remote using the steps under Setting SAT Auto-Tune Channel.

This feature can only send a channel to the TV, not an input. Because of this, SAT Auto-Tune is most useful for TV2. If used for TV1, channel 3 or 4 should be programmed using the steps under Setting SAT Auto-Tune Channel.

The TV Channel programmed for SAT Auto-Tune is also the channel that will be sent to the TV if the RECOVER button is used. The steps in Setting SAT Auto-Tune Channel can also be used in VCR mode to program the channel sent to a VCR during the Recover process.

*Earlier versions of the 5.3 and 6.3 remotes (part numbers 142301, 143037, and 143129) are not supported.

Removing

  1. Press and hold TV until all four mode buttons are lit.
  2. Press STAR (), then enter 00
  3. Press POUND (#). The TV button flashes three times to indicate programming was removed.

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Source by Steven J Keipert

Motorcycle Repo Auction Get the Best Bike Deal of Your Life

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It is a sad story, but everyday there are hundreds of motorcycle riders who default on their motorcycle loan repayments leaving their bike to be sold at repo motorcycle auctions. A visit to a repo motorcycle auction is likely to present cycle purchasers with the opportunity to procure a real bargain.

All of the bikes at auction will have been repossessed due to the original purchaser failing to keep up with monthly repayments. Their loss is your gain, as the finance houses sell off these bikes at a greatly reduced cost, in an attempt to recoup some of the money they originally loaned the owner.

Repo motorcycle auctions feature all types of bikes, from used powersports cycles to exotic ATV vehicles. All of which are presented for inspection before the auction starts, sometimes several days before hand.

Why are bikes seized and repossessed?

Bikes are seized and repossessed for three reasons. The most common reason for a bike to end up at a repo motorcycle auction is because the original owner, who financed the purchase of the cycle through a bank, has failed to keep up with the repayments. Once this happens, the used motorcycle is then seized by a repossession company, and the bank will put it up for sale at a repo motorcycle auction.

The second, much less common reason for a bike to be repossessed is due to the original purchaser supplying false information to the bank at the time of purchase. In this case, the bike is repossessed much more swiftly, and an attempt will be made to negotiate with the retailer to return the bike at a slight loss of price. If this fails, the bike will then be presented at a repo motorcycle auction.

The third reason is a dealership is going out of business and the dealer takes its entire remaining inventory to a repo motorcycle auction to liquidate it one by one. This offers a great opportunity to the buyers at the auction.

Is it safe to buy a motorcycle that has been seized for repossession?

Overall it is quite safe buying a repossessed bike, as they will usually be fairly new, certainly less than three years old, and the paperwork will be in order, due to the fact the finance house will have checked out everything before putting the cycle up for auction.

Of course, there is still the possibility that the motorcycle will be in a bad state of mechanical repair, and it is advised that potential purchasers seek the assistance of somebody with mechanical know how, before making a decision to bid on a particular motorcycle.

Almost every auction house will have all of the bikes to be auctioned available for viewing and inspection before the auction starts, spend this time checking over the bikes that interest you.

Most large motorcycle auctions allow the buyer to pay using a credit card, this is an excellent way of ensuring your financial transaction is not only secure, but comes with built in protection, as most major credit card companies will pursue any dubious auction house on behalf of the buyer if the trade is deemed to be unfair.

Buying a used motorcycle from a repo auction can be a very good way to procure an exceptional bike at a bargain price. Modern day auctions are well run, entirely regulated and safe to deal with. All financial transactions are closely monitored and audited, meaning the shady dealings and back room deals associated with auctions in the past is now behind.

Buyers should still exercise an amount of common sense when purchasing a bike from a repo motorcycle auction, although they are now protected far better than they were even ten years ago.

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Source by Jay Fran

Picking the Right Pool Table for Yourself

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There is something to be said about buying the right pool table. Buying a pool table is really similar to buying a car. In many ways you can relate the entire billiard industry to the car industry. It is astonishing, how many lessons our pool table manufacturers and retailers can learn from the o-so-trusted car industry. There are dozens of different manufacturers in different countries. Then, you have to choose where you are going to purchase your pool table. Will you decide to purchase from an authorized dealer or a small timer in his garage? Inside that, you’ll notice that there are several different designs and sizes. There are a wide range of options in raw materials it’s built out of. Even more you have to decide what options you want including: stains, cloth, sights, and accessories. Are you going to buy new or used? And the list goes on and on.

The recommendation to purchase new is always the best one. Why? Forget for a moment, the different qualities and brands available. Now really consider the disadvantages of buying a new pool table. There simply is only one real disadvantage, price. If you are considering buying a pool table and you are motivated on price and price alone; then it may be best suited for you to just settle for something used. However, if you can wait, if you can take some time to slow down the impulse of purchasing now; then you will notice that you would be giving away all the advantages that come along with buying new. Remember there are numerous brands and qualities. You would be abandoning the customization, quality, generational passing, warranties and guarantees. Need anything more be said? It’s obvious.

Buying a pool table is a huge expense. You shouldn’t have to simply settle, whether that is for a used one or a retailer’s stock, because it is cheaper. You wouldn’t settle for the car you don’t want just because it’s cheap, right? Perhaps, but you know what you want. You know what you like. Build it and be a part of the process. This is going to be something that you can pass on to your children’s children. However, there are certain occasions that buying in stock inventory or used items might just make more sense. Just know what is right for you.

Alright, then what is the best pool table available? That’s up for debate. I have worked on, and seen, pretty much everything out there over the years. Some are great others are firewood. Generally, speaking I would recommend that you purchase something made in the United States, uses a hardwood in the construction, and contains either a Brazilian or Italian slate in the three-piece form.

As a side note: Tables from China just aren’t good. Slate from China just isn’t good. If you think slate is just slate; then tell that to the numerous customers that made the mistake of buying these and needed frame rebuilds, slate replacement, and new parts that ended up costing them more money than what they paid for the whole table brand new. Chinese slate is rigid and hard not allowing it to flex so it cracks and breaks with ease. Their pool tables are mass-produced on “the line” with sprayed on stains and finishes. Sure they look great. They might even play OK for a little while, but those finishes crack and the cheap woods used, warp. It doesn’t take long for that to happen either.

There is also a difference in MADE IN THE USA and BUILT IN THE USA. There are many stateside companies that claim made in the USA but are actually only assembled here. I’m not buying from someone like that. Do the research, talk to the right people and educate yourself. I can list many American manufacturers for you but that would be settling and taking away from the value in product research. Let’s try to remember that this is a process more than it is an impulse purchase.

One piece slate tables are out dated for the home. In bars they are nice, but that isn’t what you want in your home. First off, who wants to move it? Nobody does. Secondly, they just can’t get the same kind of precision level that a three-piece slate table can get. General leveling is all you get with one piece slate and three pieces of slate not only gives you that, but also adds a fine tuning element that will hold that level for longer and resist warping as well.

Finding the right manufacturer and retailer will take some time. Find the best ones that fit your budget and, more importantly, fit your needs. The internet can give you the ideas, but you have to get out there and actually see the product. Take your time. Find what works best. Remember it’s your money.

Size and style are completely up to you. There isn’t anything here that anyone can do to influence these. How much room do you have? This will help you gauge what size will fit into your current home. Think about this one carefully though. Remember, as American’s, we move often. What may fit in your current home may not fit in your next one. What decor do you have and present in your home? Does a traditional look, contemporary design, or tournament style fit you and your home? There can be options on a pool table from the legs, the frame (arched, no arch, double arch), and rail edges (routed, plain, scalloped). All of these things should be considered. Get out there and look at them!

There are the more common types of woods used to make pool tables. Generally, you will see particle board with veneer and laminate over it, poplar wood (or tulip-wood), oak (white or red), hard white maple, hickory, walnut, mahogany, or some other exotic woods. There are tables out there made out of marble, car parts, metal, and other strange materials. Your standard hardwoods, however, will be oak or maple for most traditional models and a laminate will typically be used on your tournament style modern corner tables. General rule of thumb: stick with the standard woods and work your way up.

Which of these are important to you? Which aren’t? Generally, your domestic hardwoods are going to last a really long time. Just another important note on “hardwoods”, poplar is technically considered a hardwood, but most don’t recognize it that way. It’s soft and warps easy even if you press it together in layers. Don’t be fooled by the salesperson. Tournament style tables are pretty much all made from a particle board wood with either a high, or low, quality laminate. Don’t let that keep you from buying one because particle isn’t that great. It isn’t, but some good name brand stuff makes a good table out of it.

There are a multitude of different stains and finishes available these days. The stain is basically the color that they make the wood while the finish is what goes over that for protection and shine. The stain colors range from natural and light colors, all the way to dark and blacks. Finishes will generally be available in only a few different options with matte, semi gloss and high gloss being the most popular. These two items are related to your personal desires and decor. Check them all out, especially against your cloth color options.

No longer are the days of the traditional green cloth. There are dozens of colors available now and you aren’t limited to the greens and blues of the past. There are different types of cloth though. They will fall into two types: woolen and worsted.

Woolen cloth, or nap cloth, is your standard in home and recreational cloth. Most retailers include this type as the standard cloth on a table purchase. Very rarely will you see it in a pool hall unless the owner is cheap. This cloth is usually a nylon and wool blend. It’s sometimes referred to as nap cloth because it has micro-fibers that stand up similar to carpet. Professionals stay away from this cloth because, it doesn’t pull on the slate as tight for less speed and accuracy, it tends to pill, balls will indent grooves, and gives it the “wiggle”.

Worsted cloth is also a similar blend with, a much, higher wool content. This stuff is the best of the best. It’s elastic enough to stretch to unbelievable tightness which gives the game extreme accuracy and speed that is consistent enough to allow professionals to maintain position throughout their game. It doesn’t pill and rip, like its brother woolen, and it’s heavy and durable which extends its life in most scenarios. If you have the extra cash, get it! Don’t skimp on cloth, but know that there really is only one true manufacturer and the other brands of worsted wool are just cheap knockoffs.

Sights come in many different materials and styles. You’ll see round and diamond-shaped sights made from plastics, mother of pearl, abalone, and metals like brass and chrome. You can have them be different colors or have a double diamond look to them. The most common double diamond style will consist of a mother of pearl sight surrounded by abalone. This gives a pool table a completely different look and feel.

Then we come to the accessories. They are what they are and most often than not you are going to get a kit with your table that comes straight out of China and generally suck. That’s OK though because these are starter items. Naturally, you want the best you can get with the purchase, but don’t let one guy tell you his table is better because he has better accessories. Once you learn the game and get more involved you will appreciate, and understand, the value of upgrading the equipment over time. Personally, if the balls aren’t Aramith and the cues aren’t of American decent; then I don’t want them. However, they get pricey and aren’t as necessary until after you get the feel for the game and desire better equipment.

So the last thing to mention while you search for the perfect pool table is the warranties and guarantees. Why is this important? Simple, if the manufacturer doesn’t back their product up for a lifetime, and a retailer doesn’t support his work with a lifetime guarantee; then what good is the product and service being provided. Remember that generational passing? How can you be expected to do that if the maker and seller don’t even believe in their product? It’s hard to find the right manufacturer to dealer combination, but they are there. If you can’t offer these two simple things then you shouldn’t be in the business at all. Forget them.

If the brand is right then call the manufacturer and tell them you want their product without the retailers’ involvement and tell them why. It the retailer is right and the brand is wrong then you might need to explore other options with them or find another brand.

This is all about you and this is the insight for your analysis. Ultimately, you are the one who needs to decide what is right for you in brand, cost, quality and style.

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Source by Benjamin L. Hancock

Changing the Serpentine Belt on Your Saab 9-3 (1998-2003)

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Disclaimer:  Changing your belt can be tricky and should only be attempted by those with a mechanical background and ability that have the proper tools.  

The first time I attempted changing a serpentine belt in a Saab, I spent around forty minutes give or take, so give yourself adequate time to do the job. Mind you, much of that time was spent swearing at the Scandinavian Engineers who decided that a half inch of clearance in the engine compartment for your hands was sufficient for belt replacement. 

Things you will need: 

  • A new belt 
  • long half inch extension
  • a sturdy floor jack (not the one that’s in your trunk!)
  • a set of jack stands, a socket set 
  • a flat level space to work

To start lets get your Saab ready. Pop your hood (to the left of the driver seat towards the petals).  You will need to jack your car’s passenger front end up and remove your passenger side wheel. Locate your jacking point and raise the car until the wheel is in the air.  Remember to be safe and set your jack stand before removing your wheel.  Always work safe.

You will notice that your serpentine belt is on the left side when you are standing in front of your car looking at your engine.  You will have to remove your air cleaner box and the hose attached to it needs to be moved out of the way so that you can better access the belt below.  Separate the air cleaner and pull the box directly up, it will slide out without any hassle then set it aside.  Next, take the hose side and bend it towards your transmission dipstick and secure it with string or a bungee. 

At this point I strongly recommend that you look and diagram your belt routing.  It should somewhat look like a “W.” Take your long half-inch extension and insert it into the hole in the top of your belt pensioner.  Pull it slightly towards you and you will notice the old belt become slack. At this point you can slide the belt off the small plastic idler and release the pensioner. Now start removing the belt.  Now you know why we removed the wheel, those bottom pulleys would be impossible otherwise. 

Replacing the belt is the reverse of the procedure I just outlined. I would recommend that you start above and with the side closest to the bumper, as they are the hardest to get.  Once you have those, go to your wheel well and pull the belt from and A/C compressor and put the belt over the engine drive pulley. From there you need to loop the belt over the large metal idler pulley and back down to get the alternator. At this point you are ready to reinsert the extension and while removing the belt tension slide your new belt over the plastic pulley.

As long as you are careful, pay close attention to details and find the exact belt for your make and model Saab, you will save a lot of money in mechanic labor fee’s and give only about an hour of your own day. In these hard economic times, its best to know what we are capable of and do whatever we can do ourselves on our vehicles. Vehicles are normally pushed down the list of priorities, but the serpentine belt is a crucial part of the engine assembly, an important component of your Saab’s running smoothly and should be changed when thinning or when you can see cracks in the sides (at least check every 6-12 months)

**Remember! Always check your work!! Make sure that the new belt is in ALL the pulleys correctly and fully seated in the grooves before starting your car**

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Source by Max Rossi

Chemistry of Wastewater – The 5 Stages of Chemical Analysis of Wastewater

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Understanding the chemistry of wastewater through titration is necessary to identify certain types of pollutants, especially metals and heavy metals. Such chemical analysis of wastewater is done in stages. In the paragraphs below I have explained what these stages are.

1. Titrant

EthyleneDiamineTetraAcetic acid (N-CH2-CH2N) commonly known by its short form – EDTA is the most common titrant used during titration to understand the chemistry of wastewater. The alternative Ethylenediaminetetraacetic acid (H4y) when used like an EDTA proves less soluble while the Tetraneutralized solution (Na4Y) offers a highly alkaline solution as it is easily hydrolyzed. Hence a Hexadentate (Na2H2y), which is a salt of the EDTA, is used as a titrant. It is obtained as a dehydrate of the Tetraacetic acid. It is a disodium salt commonly known as Ethylenedinitrilo represented by the formula C10H14O8N2Na2.2H2O.

The chemical composition of the EDTA is HOOC.H2C -> CH2COOH with any one of the divalents Mg or Ca. This is a chelated bonding.

2. Indicator

It is a substance that changes color to indicate completion of chelation with EDTA. When using the afore mentioned process, at a pH of 10.0 + 0.1, either Mg or Ca reacts with the indicator. This reaction causes the solution to change to a wine red color. If the solution already contains both Mg and Ca, and if the EDTA is added, then it forms a EDTA chelate compound which is highly stable. During this reaction the EDTA consumes all of Mg and Ca, resulting in the solution turning blue, as free indicators are released giving a good demonstration of the chemistry of wastewater. Given below are the two reactions:

H2R + Ca^++ (blue) -> CaR + 2H^+ (wine red)

CaR + Na2H2y (EDTA salt) -> CaNa2y + H2R (Chelate – Blue)

3. Definite End Point

To bring the test to a definite end point, Mg ions should exist in the buffer. Hence to accomplish this, a little quantity of Mg salt (EDTA) is added. This salt is complexometrically neutral. As the pH of this buffer solution increases, it leads to a sharp end point. But a byproduct of this increasing pH is the precipitate that is either Mg(OH)2 or Calcium Carbonate (CaCO3). If the pH continues to increase further then a dye of yellowish orange color is obtained.

4. CaCO3 Precipitation

If the titration process is allowed to continue long then it will result in CaCO3 being precipitated. Hence all steps should be completed within a span of five minutes. Diluting the solution can weaken the concentration of CaCO3, therefore it has to be diluted before the reagents are added to complete the titration.

5. Titration

Titrations are done to understand the chemistry of wastewater. But the indicators used in the titration are affected by hot water. Hence it should always be done at room temperature.

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Source by Richard Runion

Scrum and Kanban: Tendency of Facilitation?

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Agile Development is a general term that includes a number of software development methodologies, among them, are Extreme Programming, Scrum, Crystal, Lean Development, Dynamic Systems Development Method (DSDM) and Feature-Driven Development (FDD). Kanban is often referred to as Agile methodology, inasmuch as it is often used together with Scrum principles, but it was actually developed by Toyota back in the 1950s. Despite the fact that each methodology has a unique approach and particular principles, all of them have similar distinctive features such as flexibility, lightness, focus on constant development and goal orientation. Today we would like to cover Scrum and also Scrum hybrid with Kanban.

In these latter days, Scrum is one of the most popular frameworks and it is widely used by IT companies all over the world. Talking about “Agile” people often mean Scrum, but what is Scrum in practice?

Scrum is widely applied by software development teams and according to “The 9th Annual State of Agile Report” 72% of software teams use Scrum or Scrum’s hybrid. Talking about hybrids companies often combine it with Kanban or Lean practices.

How can Scrum be distinguished from Agile? – Scrum is a subgroup of Agile and while Agile Development is a set of guiding concepts, 12 principles, and values for implementation of agile projects, Scrum runs these values and principles of Agile and moreover it is possible to employ various techniques and processes within this framework.

The significant components of Scrum Development: roles, events, artifacts, and rules.

Scrum key roles are:

· Product Owner is one person, who is responsible for managing the Product Backlog, increasing the value of product and work of the Development Team.

· Development Team is a self-organized cross-functional group of professionals that typically consists of 7-9 members and whose work consists in delivering suitable for release Increments.

· ScrumMaster as a servant-leader and facilitator for the Development Team, Product Owner, and Organization, who coaches the Scrum Team, ensures that Scrum is understood, and Scrum practices, rules, and theory are implemented.

Scrum events include:

· The Sprint is a time-box limited to one month or less during which the Development Team creates a potentially releasable and usable product Increment.

· Sprint Planning is a time-boxed meeting of the entire Scrum Team which results in work agenda for the oncoming Sprint.

· The Daily Stand-Up is a 15-minute event for the Development Team that is held at the same place and time every day and during which team aligns activities and draws up a plan for the next 24-hours.

· The Sprint Review is a time-boxed meeting at the end of the Sprint within which the Scrum Team and stakeholders review the Increment and customize the Product Backlog if needed.

· The Sprint Retrospective takes place after the Sprint Review and before the next Sprint Planning and during this time the Scrum Team should inspect itself and make a plan for improvements to be implemented within the upcoming Sprint.

Scrum Artifacts:

· Product Backlog is a runtime ordered list of everything that might be needed in the product and it is a sole source of requirements for any changes to be applied to the product. It consists of all the features, requirements, functions, fixes and enhancements to be made to the product and it is never complete.

· Sprint Backlog is a set of items from Product Backlog selected for the Sprint with a plan for creating the product Increment and implementing the Sprint Goal. In this way, the Development Team makes a prediction about what functional capabilities will be included in the upcoming Increment.

· Increment is the total of all items from Product Backlog that were delivered within the Sprint and the sum value of all the preceding Sprints’ Increments.

In comparison with Scrum, Kanban is much more flexible and less structured; besides its principles can be easily combined with any actual practice that you already adhere to, even Scrum. For this and other reason Kanban is often mixed with Scrum and usually applied by larger teams. Initially, Kanban dropped out of Lean Manufacturing techniques in the 1950s, but somewhere in 2007 it was adapted for knowledge work, like software development, DevOps, etc.

Kanban is introduced to match the amount of work in progress with team’s capacity, what provides more flexibility, faster delivery, better visibility and clear goal orientation. All the work is organized on Kanban board with usually five states (columns): product backlog (to-do), in progress, testing, ready to release and released (done). The main condition is Limit of Work in Progress (WIP Limit) and it should be pre-set for every column on the board. It is important to note that if one of the columns is full, then new items can’t be added to the state, moreover, the whole team should work on clearing up the impediment.

In basis, Kanban is built on 4 main principles:

· Visualization of the workflow – allows to observe the flow and all the stages of an item in Kanban system, from request to completion. The main goal is to bring positive changes and optimize the workflow.

· Limit the amount of work in progress (WIP) – helps to balance the workflow at each state, because new items are rolled in only when the particular WIP limit is met. Limiting WIP is the heart of Kanban methodology.

· Focus, manage and improve the flow – adherence to the foregoing principles helps to follow the system, analyze, optimize and improve it. This process is never complete.

· Continuous improvement – Kanban methodology requires constant analysis, monitoring, and measuring of productivity by tracking efficiency, quality, flow, etc.

The main distinguishing features of Kanban are:

· No roles, like Product Owner or Scrum Master

· Continual delivery without time-boxed sprints

· Flexibility and capability to make changes at any stage

Application of Kanban can bring such benefits, as:

· Features are delivered faster due to shorter work cycles

· Responsivity to changes – best fit for companies where priorities shift often

· Decreases the amount of waste and removes those events that don’t deliver value to organization or team

Both Scrum and Kanban proved themselves to be efficient and mature frameworks that can help companies to develop and succeed in their industries. Different approaches can work in a worthwhile manner at different times, so while making a decision ask which aspects and principles of Scrum and Kanban can be applied with your teams to effectually deliver products and services.

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Source by Eugeniya Korotya

The Talking Water Heater

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One wintry day in Chicago, Sam Warm undressed to take a shower. He turned the shower knob to the left to heat the water. As the water gushed out, it felt lukewarm, but, a minute later it turned cold. Sam turned the knob to the right to warm up the water. But there was little warmth. As a matter of fact, it still felt cold. He shivered and immediately got out of the shower. He dried himself with a towel, put on some clothes and marched down to the basement to check the water heater.

Sam couldn’t tell if the machine was working properly or not. He had bought it ten years ago and had very few problems with it, if any. So, he called a local plumber to check it out. When the plumber came a few hours later, Sam showed him the machine. The plumber examined it and noticed a bit of rust around the bottom faucet. He turned the water on and rusty water flowed out.

“Am I acting ‘funny’?” a voice exclaimed.

The plumber, named Jake jerked up and quickly looked around him.

“I hope you have warm hands. I feel cold!” the voice said.

“Who said that?… Mr. Warm?”

“No. Me… The water heater.”

Jake looked at the machine with his eyes wide open. “Wha..?”

“I’ve been here for many years! Hopefully, you can change me for a newer model… I can’t wait to get outta here!… Wanna hear a joke?”

Jake gazed at the water heater with full attention. “Y..y..yea?”

“I’m just getting warmed up,” the heater said with a laugh. “What did the water heater say when the plumber emptied out all of the water?”

Jake said, “I… I… don’t… know.”

“The heater felt drained… ha… ha… ha!”

Jake looked down in disbelief. He began to think what would happen to this magic water heater that could talk. Then an idea came to him. He imagined himself becoming famous and wealthy if he owned this wonderful machine.

“Does Mr. Warm know about you being able to talk?” Jake said to the heater.

“No… It would make him nervous. Can you take me home with you? I know I need to be replaced.”

“I’ll see what I can do.”

So Jake told Sam that the old heater needed to be replaced. Sam asked, “When can you get a new model in and take this one away?”

“As soon as possible. I can schedule something for tomorrow. I do want to ask you if I could keep this old water heater.”

“Sure. That’s fine with me.”

The next day, Jake drove his truck, hauling a new water heater to exchange for the magic water heater. When he came in, walked to the machine and said, “I’m here. Come to take you away,” he told it.

“That’s great! Can’t wait to get outta here!” the machine said cheerfully.

Jake disconnected all of the pipes and hoses. After he drained the water, he eagerly installed a new water heater to replace the old one. After Sam signed and paid, Jake hauled his heavy future money making machine away.

When Jake came home, he contacted a comedy club and told the manager about his talking water heater. The manager laughed in disbelief. But, he set up a time the next evening for Jake to entertain the club’s crowd with his water heater. “Jake and His Talking Water Heater” would be the first act of the evening.

The next evening, Jake hauled it on a dolly into the comedy club. The few people who worked at the club gawked at the huge machine and wondered why a water heater was being rolled backstage into the club. They thought that the club needed a new water heater and Jake was there to install it, but they looked shocked when he hauled it onto the stage. Everyone laughed and mocked Jake, but he thought, I’ll show them.

Jake had dressed up in a coat and tie, and he had covered the heater with a sheet. Jake waited impatiently while the audience slowly took their seats. When Jake came out he quickly uncovered the heater, and said, “I took a look at this old heater at a customer’s house and it talked to me. So, I’d like to present you to him. What do you say, my friend… ?”

It didn’t say anything. It just gurgled. The crowd began to laugh and boo. Jake began to sweat. He nervously asked the heater, “Water heater, tell us a joke.”

Again, the heater didn’t respond. The crowd yelled, booed and threw trash at Jake and the heater. Jake ran from the stage, leaving the heater on the stage. Before the next act, Jake angrily composed himself. Then, he took a dolly and quickly wheeled the heater off. He was so embarrassed he wheeled it into his truck and went home.

When he got home, he kicked the heater. “Why couldn’t you talk?!” But it just gurgled.

Poor, tired Jake walked slowly into his living room and sat down. Ten minutes later, he moseyed to his refrigerator, opened it and grabbed a can of beer.

“I don’t guess you talk?” he asked the refrigerator.

No answer.

Jake thought for a while why the heater didn’t talk. Suddenly he had an idea. He turned off the water in his house and disassembled his own water heater and connected the talking one. After the connections were fixed, it immediately began to cough.

Then it said, “I forgot to tell you. I have to be hooked up so I can talk.””Why didn’t you tell me this before I took you out?” Jake said angrily.”I was going to but I forgot,” the machine said.

Jake turned his back on the heater. Then he stormed upstairs and grabbed a pair of pliers to disconnect it.

The water heater saw the pliers and yelled, “No! Don’t disconnect me! Dd… ddd… ooo… “

The next day, he placed an ad in the paper which read, “Free old useless water heater. It talks. You just need the right connections.”

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Source by Harrington A Lackey